Americans excel at many things, but they are not renowned for their knowledge of world geography. Not to worry though—this article is designed to inform Americans about the world surrounding them so they can more readily participate in intelligent discourse regarding global affairs. We will go continent by continent, covering the most basic facts of each region. By the time you (likely American person) finish reading, you’ll be more than able to hold your own in a discussion about the exotic world outside the United States.
Let’s begin with the best continent of all, America. America is often divided into three sections: North, South, and Central. But who has time for all those distinctions? We can easily reduce the number of sections to just two, which is 33% more efficient! It’s far more straightforward to think of America as being made up of North America (the real America that speaks English), and “Latin” (non-English) America, or simply, “Mexico”. You might be wondering where Canada fits in to all this, but have more likely forgotten about Canada altogether. Don’t sweat it. All you need to know is that Canada is at the top, and is too frozen to be used for anything.
Next let’s shift our attention to the world’s second-most important continent, Europe. Europe is a chunk of land across the Atlantic first settled by the French, and is where the practice of homosexuality originated. It’s also where America single-handedly won the Second World War and defeated the Nazis. Other than the silly languages, Europe is basically the same as America, just with older buildings. Keep this in mind while planning your next romantic getaway.
Situated directly below Europe is Africa, the nation of black people. Although it is extremely poverty-stricken, it is rich in natural resources including oil, diamonds, and Africans for extracting the diamonds. Africa is also very diverse in its landscape, which is composed of desert, savanna and jungle. The one consistent feature is that no matter where in Africa you are, it’s always really fucking hot. Take this into consideration before planning a trip there, and be sure to pack sun screen.
Moving east, we get to Asia, which is actually three distinct regions clumped into one. There’s the Middle East (home to Arabs, Muslims, and terrorists), India (which is where the brown Asians are from), and East Asia (Chinese). Asia is by far the smallest continent, which is presumably why the Asian people are so little. Major industries in Asia include manufacturing, agriculture (mainly rice), telecommunications services, and state-sponsored terrorism. Americans are revered throughout Asia, the Middle East in particular, so be sure to identify yourself as an American if you happen to be there.
Last we will briefly highlight the least-recognized continent, Oceania, which is actually a collection of Pacific islands. Among these islands are the somewhat familiar Australia and New Zealand—safe English-speaking countries with beaches and white people. Australia is best known for the kangaroo, a hoppity creature native to the island, while New Zealand is best known for not being Australia. Just north of Australia is Papua New Guinea, where some of the world’s last remaining cannibal tribes live. Don’t show up in New Guinea without an invitation or you might find yourself impaled on a spit, roasting over a fire, a bum who came to be supper.
I hope you’ve found this crash course in world geography illuminating. Everyone’s got blind spots, but it’s never too late to get filled in! If you were hoping to get the low-down on Antarctica, please keep an eye out for my upcoming article, “Penguin Uprising—Invasion from the Deep South”.
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