Kale Suppositories: The Latest Health Trend

It might sounds crazy, but a handful of medical practitioners in the San Francisco area have begun prescribing vegetable-based suppositories to patients concerned about their daily vitamin intake and/or colorectal health. I went to visit Dr. Susan Elliot of the San Francisco City Clinic to find out more about this new treatment. Elliot, who practices homeopathy on the side, was gracious enough to invite me over to her home to witness how to make these suppositories, since apparently no manufacturer has yet begun producing them for public consumption.

“It’s actually a very intuitive form of nutritional supplementation,” explains Elliot as she begins pulverizing some raw kale leaves with a mortar and pestle. “Nutrients are absorbed through the rectal lining much faster and more efficiently than through the digestive system, and they enter the bloodstream directly, which means the total amount [of raw organic produce] required in order to see positive health benefits is much less.”

When I ask about how she first came upon the idea, Dr. Elliot tells me that she heard about it through her natural medicine circle. “The medical justification made sense to me, so I decided to try it out on myself first to test the efficacy,” says Elliot. “Since there aren’t any organic nutrient suppositories on the market I had to figure out how to make them on my own, and after some experimentation I believe I’ve got it perfected enough to share with my medical colleagues.”

At least a few of her colleagues have taken her up and started prescribing it themselves, and Elliot tells me the fundamental recipe they offer is hers. “Anyone can customize the ingredients to suit their own nutritional or colorectal needs, but we all follow the same basic method; that is, blending the base ingredients and solidifying them prior to insertion.”

Once the kale has been thoroughly transformed into a fibrous paste, Elliot adds 2 cloves are garlic and a few slices of ginger, mashing them into the kale pulp. The compounds allicin, from the garlic, and gingerol (you guessed it, from the ginger), are potent antioxidants and carry extra health benefits as well. The next addition is about a quarter cup of blueberries. “Blueberries are very high in antioxidants, and help soften the texture of the suppository pellet once it’s inside.”

The last ingredient is the secret magic ingredient, Elliot tells me, and it’s coconut oil.

“When the coconut oil is totally combined with the mixture, it plays two key roles. First, it serves to coat the other ingredients, creating an air barrier. A lot of the nutritional value of the suppository would otherwise be lost to oxidation. Secondly, it effectively lubricates the pellet to make it easier to insert.”

Once all the ingredients are combined to Elliot’s satisfaction, she gets a small funnel and some wide drinking straws and begins packing the straws with the paste. I’m told that the fully packed straws are then frozen so that the pellets can hold their shape, and quarter inch lengths are cut off before use.

“A lot of people express concern about the possible discomfort of having a frozen pellet in their rectum,” says Elliot. “I tell them not to worry though. I find it quite soothing. I just press the pellet gently against my anus, and when my heat acts on the coconut oil it just slides right in, and after about a minute I can’t even tell it’s there.”

Dr. Elliot recommends  inserting the suppositories before going to bed, so that the nutrients can be fully absorbed over a long period without the chance of bowel movements forcing the pellets out.

“Since I started using my organic suppositories regularly, I’ve found I wake up in the morning more refreshed and energized, and blood test results prove that the practice is effective at delivering essential nutrients and vitamins. I’d recommend nutritional suppositories to anyone who lacks the time to prepare healthy meals regularly, or to anyone who does not have the resources to purchase enough fresh produce to maintain adequate vitamin intake. For people wanting to improve their colorectal health, I advise that they speak to their physician before concocting their own personalized pellets.”

So there you have it. If you never thought regularly eating healthy food was feasible for you, now you can shove it up your ass.

 

 

 

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