Ah, the Huffington Post… where opinion pieces on fat shaming collide with featured posts on how minor celebrities look in their bathing suits… where self-righteousness and indulgence come to fuck. If you’re a writer who gets off on owning the moral high ground, but are also passionate about pop culture pap and the latest healthy recipes, then writing for Huffpo might be just the thing for you. You will not get paid, however. If that’s not an issue, enjoy these tips and tricks for becoming a successful Huffington Post contributor:

Celebify

Find a photo of a celebrity from a while ago, and create the headline, “[insert name] Doesn’t Look Like This Anymore.”

Feminize

Pick any topic and write about how it’s somehow a feminist issue. To be clear, this topic does not have to be related to gender or sex. In fact the less intuitively connected to feminism the topic is, the better.

Celebify Some More…

If anyone remotely recognizable makes a politically correct statement on Twitter that has the perceivable effect of “shutting someone/something down,” that’s a story right there.

Know Your Buzzwords

Make a catchy headline using one or more of the following words or phrases: “rape culture,” “patriarchy,” “white/male privilege.” Then, go nuts writing about how they are real things that exist as though readers need convincing.

Contentual Appropriation

Find “inspiring” content (or any content really) from other websites and make it your own with a new headline. Maybe stick a slideshow at the bottom for good measure.

Let Them Know Who It’s Coming From

Hook people with lines like “as a mom…” and write with authority on whatever you want. You’ll be surprised how little your (lack of) expertise matters.

Hyperbole Helps

Anything can be “the next biggest thing.” Just tell us what it is.