Cannibalistic Cult Sweeps Nation

A staggering number of people across North America and the globe have joined a cannibalistic death cult, entering a covenant with a messianic “zombie” leader who is also seen by worshippers as a supreme deity.

Accounts are conflicting and unverified but as the most accepted story goes, once a charismatic gentleman, the leader of said cult rallied a small group of supporters and convinced them that their capacity to follow his directions would determine their eternal status in the afterlife – either exceedingly good or exceedingly miserable. Once hooked, his entourage made it their duty to spread his doctrine as far as possible.

Word has it that shortly after the leader died, he proceeded to rise from the dead before disappearing to rule from afar. And that’s not all. Followers claim that he is not only an authentic man reanimated, but also an incarnation of an all-powerful deity who created the entire universe. Still not impressed? They also say he was a ghost all along, in case the rest wasn’t spooky enough.

Early debates among devotees over how their messiah could be all of those things contemporaneously lead to them breaking into factions, each picking their own fantastical explanation and sticking with it. Despite their disagreement on this matter, they all share the same core beliefs and spiritual practices, which include gathering once a week to worship and consume endless samples of the flesh and blood of their omnipotent saviour.

Indoctrination starts basically at birth, with an aquatic initiation ceremony for newborns. Children are then told that they are born sick, indecent and corrupt, and that only by adhering to the rules handed down can they – upon death – be absolved. The merciful leader supposedly sacrificed himself as a scapegoat to relieve the initiated of these undesirable preconditions, but unfortunately the gesture doesn’t have the potential of doing any good until they’re dead. As long as they are alive, they are considered shameful miscreants in need of a firm social guide, and failure to play along results in an eternity of agony in the afterlife.

In addition to the aforementioned shame, requirements also include sexual repression, simultaneous love and fear of the leader, full acceptance of dubious moral and metaphysical teachings, and the unwavering rejection of other competing deities who may seem appealing. Once effectively conditioned, believers are grateful for the opportunity to live a life of narrow-minded servitude for a shot at not being condemned when they die.

As is the case with most cults, it is critical that members are very much detached from reality. They are taught that it is virtuous to accept the rules along with the accompanying metaphysics at face value, and take pride in their beliefs being purely faith-based. Interestingly, although severely delusional, adherents are generally able to sufficiently function in society and often go unrecognized.

Now here comes the extra chilly part. After exponential growth, membership in this cannibal death cult of shame is so high that followers now make up the majority of the population in the Americas and Europe. And while they may not be interested in eating you or your family, they are definitely lurking closer than you might have thought.

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